What's the Lord waiting for?

A sister of my heart sent this verse to me this morning. It is a response from my Lord to my pain and fears that I am praying He will help me believe and receive and cherish during this wait. If I come to mind pray this verse for me, please.

Isaiah 30:18 (Amplified Bible) “The Lord [earnestly] waits [expecting, looking, and longing] to be gracious to me; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on me and show loving-kindness to me. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all those who [earnestly] wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him [for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His matchless, unbroken companionship!]”

I've Got that 9th Month Feeling

Tonight is the night before my oldest daughter's birthday. She is going to be eleven tomorrow. She has been an amazing gift! I am feeling reflective. On this night eleven years ago my brother and sister in law came over to our apartment for supper. Liz was going to be with us for the delivery just in case Alex fainted. (He got light headed in our birth class when he saw a diagram of the epidural needle. I was afraid and wanted someone to be with me all the way through.) We didn't know if we were having a boy or a girl. We wanted a surprise. I, the newly wed chef made tater tot casserole. We took a photo of the four of us. In the photo Alex had his pager and Liz had her's. We rented the pagers because we didn't have cell phones. We agreed they would only be used once, when I started labor. That night it seemed like I was never going to need to use the pager. Every day was the same, heightened expectation and then the let down, heightened expectation and then let down. Every day I woke up thinking maybe it is today! I was restless and uncomfortable. Early in pregnancy I had been afraid to go into labor and in the final month of pregnancy I realized God had given me a gift. I was finally ready. I was so uncomfortable physically and so excited emotionally that I thought, "I don't care what happens to me, how much pain I go through, how long and hard it is! I will do anything! I WANT MY BODY BACK!! I WANT TO HOLD MY BABY!! And, I will do whatever it takes! I want to sleep all night and not have to go to the bathroom. I want to lay on my tummy. I want to drink orange juice. I don't want to look this humungous and hear one more person say, "you're still here?". I want to look into the face of my child. I want to know who he or she is. I want to cuddle in the rocking chair. I want to use all the baby clothes and the swing and the crib. Let's do this thing!

My brother called yesterday. The first question he asked is, "How are you, Beth?". I told him I was fine and our family is fine. We are happy and busy. Adalynne had an invention convention that day and took 2nd place in her group. The girls' ballet recital is just around the corner. Elie lost a tooth and has another on hanging on by a thread. Joe is loving soccer. School is going well. Spring is here and the kids can play outside. Alex is loving his classes and things are steady at church. Sam is a ball and fills my love tank every day with his natural sweetness. And yet in all of this fine stuff a big part of me is not o.k. and is missing my 5th child. I am sad. I am on the verge of tears because Maren is not here. I am living in the state of heightened alert because she could be coming any day. Or, it could go on like this for a while. It is absolutely out of my control. We could be very, very, very close or we may have to hang in there for a while. Every day is the same, heightened expectation and disappointment. Could today be the day? Nothing.

It feels like the 9th month. I am so ready for the new "normal". I am so ready to look into the eyes of my baby. I am ready for her to wrap her tiny little hand around my finger. I want this wait behind me and I want my daughter home.

Someone asked me today if it is as painful as carrying a child physically? Of course physically I have had nothing to deal with and no physical pain. Thankfully, Maren's momma did all that hard work. No morning sickness, no aching ligaments, no extra hormones, no lower back pain when I wash the dishes, and no labor. But, a very great expectancy, a little fear of the unknown, a great heart ache for my baby, a longing to be the one caring for Maren, a desire to start getting to know her and to get on with bonding, and a great feeling of helplessness in bringing her home. I've got that 9th month feeling and I am ready for it to be behind me.

Father, please bring our baby home.

It feels like it's never going to happen. But, it will.

Resources

This morning through Noel Piper's blog I discovered some wonderful resources for people who are adopting, have adopted, or would like to adopt, or want to support those around you who have adopted. Here are the links:

The Abba Fund blog

Empowered to Connect

The Child Development Training Institute (excellent videos about attaching to your child)

Jason Upton - Father of the fatherless live on cbn

Maren's Voice

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrTm3pyoCbA

Got to hear Maren's sweet little voice for the first time this morning. Christel and Sara Hatcher posted this video on facebook. What a gift! If you click on the link above you can hear her too.

5 Months and Wishing She Was Home

She's five months old now and I wish she was home. I guess that's all I have to say about that.

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Ready to say some more now...I just pulled out an older email that gives a rough outline of our adoption time table and my calendar. She could come home in a few weeks from now or it could be as long as Mid-June (or later if something unexpected happens). I have been praying lots and hoping for the shorter time table. I thought I was being so patient. My motto has been "pray for the shorter time and prepare mentally for the longer one". Somewhere along the line I slipped up and started thinking short thoughts. I'm trying to re-align my thinking tonight. I want it to be soon so badly but it may not be. Lord, give me your grace and peace. I trust you.

Planting With My Tears

Psalm 126:5&6, "Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him."

Psalm 56:8, "You have kept count of my tossings, put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?"