What's the Lord waiting for?

A sister of my heart sent this verse to me this morning. It is a response from my Lord to my pain and fears that I am praying He will help me believe and receive and cherish during this wait. If I come to mind pray this verse for me, please.

Isaiah 30:18 (Amplified Bible) “The Lord [earnestly] waits [expecting, looking, and longing] to be gracious to me; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on me and show loving-kindness to me. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all those who [earnestly] wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him [for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His matchless, unbroken companionship!]”

I've Got that 9th Month Feeling

Tonight is the night before my oldest daughter's birthday. She is going to be eleven tomorrow. She has been an amazing gift! I am feeling reflective. On this night eleven years ago my brother and sister in law came over to our apartment for supper. Liz was going to be with us for the delivery just in case Alex fainted. (He got light headed in our birth class when he saw a diagram of the epidural needle. I was afraid and wanted someone to be with me all the way through.) We didn't know if we were having a boy or a girl. We wanted a surprise. I, the newly wed chef made tater tot casserole. We took a photo of the four of us. In the photo Alex had his pager and Liz had her's. We rented the pagers because we didn't have cell phones. We agreed they would only be used once, when I started labor. That night it seemed like I was never going to need to use the pager. Every day was the same, heightened expectation and then the let down, heightened expectation and then let down. Every day I woke up thinking maybe it is today! I was restless and uncomfortable. Early in pregnancy I had been afraid to go into labor and in the final month of pregnancy I realized God had given me a gift. I was finally ready. I was so uncomfortable physically and so excited emotionally that I thought, "I don't care what happens to me, how much pain I go through, how long and hard it is! I will do anything! I WANT MY BODY BACK!! I WANT TO HOLD MY BABY!! And, I will do whatever it takes! I want to sleep all night and not have to go to the bathroom. I want to lay on my tummy. I want to drink orange juice. I don't want to look this humungous and hear one more person say, "you're still here?". I want to look into the face of my child. I want to know who he or she is. I want to cuddle in the rocking chair. I want to use all the baby clothes and the swing and the crib. Let's do this thing!

My brother called yesterday. The first question he asked is, "How are you, Beth?". I told him I was fine and our family is fine. We are happy and busy. Adalynne had an invention convention that day and took 2nd place in her group. The girls' ballet recital is just around the corner. Elie lost a tooth and has another on hanging on by a thread. Joe is loving soccer. School is going well. Spring is here and the kids can play outside. Alex is loving his classes and things are steady at church. Sam is a ball and fills my love tank every day with his natural sweetness. And yet in all of this fine stuff a big part of me is not o.k. and is missing my 5th child. I am sad. I am on the verge of tears because Maren is not here. I am living in the state of heightened alert because she could be coming any day. Or, it could go on like this for a while. It is absolutely out of my control. We could be very, very, very close or we may have to hang in there for a while. Every day is the same, heightened expectation and disappointment. Could today be the day? Nothing.

It feels like the 9th month. I am so ready for the new "normal". I am so ready to look into the eyes of my baby. I am ready for her to wrap her tiny little hand around my finger. I want this wait behind me and I want my daughter home.

Someone asked me today if it is as painful as carrying a child physically? Of course physically I have had nothing to deal with and no physical pain. Thankfully, Maren's momma did all that hard work. No morning sickness, no aching ligaments, no extra hormones, no lower back pain when I wash the dishes, and no labor. But, a very great expectancy, a little fear of the unknown, a great heart ache for my baby, a longing to be the one caring for Maren, a desire to start getting to know her and to get on with bonding, and a great feeling of helplessness in bringing her home. I've got that 9th month feeling and I am ready for it to be behind me.

Father, please bring our baby home.

It feels like it's never going to happen. But, it will.

Resources

This morning through Noel Piper's blog I discovered some wonderful resources for people who are adopting, have adopted, or would like to adopt, or want to support those around you who have adopted. Here are the links:

The Abba Fund blog

Empowered to Connect

The Child Development Training Institute (excellent videos about attaching to your child)

Jason Upton - Father of the fatherless live on cbn

Maren's Voice

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrTm3pyoCbA

Got to hear Maren's sweet little voice for the first time this morning. Christel and Sara Hatcher posted this video on facebook. What a gift! If you click on the link above you can hear her too.

5 Months and Wishing She Was Home

She's five months old now and I wish she was home. I guess that's all I have to say about that.

________________________________________________________

Ready to say some more now...I just pulled out an older email that gives a rough outline of our adoption time table and my calendar. She could come home in a few weeks from now or it could be as long as Mid-June (or later if something unexpected happens). I have been praying lots and hoping for the shorter time table. I thought I was being so patient. My motto has been "pray for the shorter time and prepare mentally for the longer one". Somewhere along the line I slipped up and started thinking short thoughts. I'm trying to re-align my thinking tonight. I want it to be soon so badly but it may not be. Lord, give me your grace and peace. I trust you.

Planting With My Tears

Psalm 126:5&6, "Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him."

Psalm 56:8, "You have kept count of my tossings, put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?"

God's Powerful Word

When God speaks things happen. When God speaks worlds are created. When God speaks hearts are changed. We live by every word that comes from the mouth of God. Last night when I was praying this truth came into my mind. When God says it is time for Maren to come home she will be coming home.

"For he spoke, and it came to be; he commanded, and it stood firm." Psalm 33:9

Buy Coffee and Help Us Travel to Taiwan

Attention coffee lovers, you can help us with the expense of our adoption by purchasing coffee through our store front at

www.justlovecoffee.com/TheBrodines

We will receive $5 for every bag purchased. Please help us spread the word. :)

This Little Light of Mine

5 Petals for my 5 children. The Lord is my Light and He is near to us in Holdrege and Meg in Taiwan. I know He is working.

Prayer Brunch

Tomorrow morning I am going to a prayer brunch for Mom's In Touch. We had a planning meeting 10 days ago. At the meeting our leader, Janet, shared something the Lord had put on her heart. She wants to take time to agree in prayer as a group with each lady in attendance for something that she is "waiting" for in prayer. As soon as the words exited her lips I knew that I would still be waiting for news of Meg's home-coming at the brunch. NO! I wanted to deny it. I hoped I would be wrong. :( I felt angry and sad. Why must I wait longer, Lord?

All week I having been bringing my sadness, longing, and confusion to the Lord in prayer. I feel ready for my baby to come home. I don't understand. Why do I have to still be waiting at the prayer brunch? I had been really hoping for an update from Taiwan. I have ached for some sort of good news or even any news. There is only silence. :( I have been praying and waiting for months. Isn't it enough? Why must I wait for the prayer brunch?

A gentle voice said, "Why not see it as a gift that I have planned this prayer brunch? It is ordained especially for you. Why do you see it from the opposite way? Why do you feel I am against you in the wait?"

Hmm. I am intrigued and excited for the prayer brunch. Command me, Jesus. You are in control.

"Be strong, take heart, and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

"I wait expectantly for your salvation; God, I do what you tell me." Psalm 119:6

"I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion';therefore I will wait for him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men." Lamentations 3:24-30

To be continued, tomorrow...

In Your Time

Wow! What a roller coaster! A few weeks ago I was very content and felt joy that the end was coming into view. Remember my post....every day is getting closer with the big smiley face? This past week and a half I have been on the other end of things. I have been battling for that smile and keeping the tears at bay. Wondering how much longer it's going to be until I see her sweet face and hold her? I am longing!

The longing is producing prayer. I listened to a Tim Keller sermon a little while back and a phrase keeps coming to mind from that message that we "do not pray like the pagans do". He went on to explain that pagans pray full of anxiety and they pray their anxiety and they use many words out of fear without faith, hope, and trust. I feel myself slipping into anxiety filled praying at times. But, the Holy Spirit keeps reminding me not to pray without hope. There is hope. My God is mighty and He is working on Meg's behalf. He does hear my prayers. He is going to bring her home and work justice on her behalf. Maybe not on my time-table so I just gotta keep praying, asking, believing, and beating down worry with a large stick.

Dueteronomy 10:18 says, "He executes justice for the fatherless!" This is who our God is. This is what His word says about Him and His character. He is Maren's Heavenly Father and He loves her more than I do! She belongs to Him.

This morning while I was praying a phrase Gloria Stout always used to say to me when I lived at home in Mount Morris came to mind. "God is the slowest person I know but He's always right on time." I feel like the Lord is growing my trust.

I wanted Maren home in March! I still would like her home in April! I am not sure what the Lord is doing. But I am humbled as I have reflected back over His amazing timing in my life this far. He is amazing! He knows! I am hurting right now but I am calling to mind how Great the Lord has been so far in my life. Let alone His timing since the creation. I am so little. Why do I act like I know what would be best and act like I know how He should run the world? Take Your time, Lord and fill me with hope in you!

"O that we may kiss the rod, and lay our hands upon our mouths! " -Sara Edwards

More Than We've Needed

I know adopting is a calling that God has placed on our lives. And, I know that God brought Maren to us. The timing is amazing!!!! And, I am so excited.

In October 2008 someone gave us a financial gift to begin our adoption journey. Alex had been feeling prompted that it was time to look into adoption prior to that but had been reluctant. The gift confirmed and put him over the edge that it was time to do more than talk about adopting. At this same time we were invited to go on Good Morning Nebraska to promote adoption month. The only requirement was to have an adoption benefit fund set up. Because of going onto the TV show we felt like we should have something to share about our adoption and we hadn't started our home-study and we didn't know where we would adopt from.

I had traveled with friends who had been to China. I had heard the plight of the little girls of China and since 1996. In my heart I really wanted to adopt a little girl from Asia but when it was time to start looking at the places we could adopt from we were limited. We didn't make enough money or own our own home so China, Khazakhstan, and Kyrgzstan were out. We had too many children to adopt from Thailand, India, or Bhutan. And, for some reason I didn't want to adopt from Korea. I cannot explain that and no offense to Koreans or those who have adopted Koreans but I just felt like it wasn't Korea.

One night I sat at the computer with tears running down my face. I said, "Lord, I thought that you wanted us to adopt a little girl in Asia but looking at these country requirements I don't see where we fit. If you want us to adopt we are willing but you are going to have to show us where our baby is." The night before I said this prayer I had sent an email to a friend who adopted a little girl from China, Janet Bailey. I told her I was growing discouraged in looking at country qualifications. We wanted to adopt but were having trouble finding where we fit. No joke, about the time I said this prayer a little number 1 lit up in my facebook inbox. Janet Bailey had replied. She said, "What about Taiwan? Have you ever thought about adopting from there? I just met a pastor's family just like you who just adopted their 5th baby from Taiwan. "

I mentioned Taiwan to Alex and he sat upright on the couch and said, "Taiwan, yeah I like Taiwan." I called my mom because I was so excited that we might be discovering where God was leading and she too chimed in with eagerness for Taiwan.

The next day Janet emailed the contact information for Andrea Tweeten. I was so antsy to call Andrea. I waited until late morning because I didn't want to call too early in the day. We had a great talk. She offered to contact Holly and Trena for us and see if they would consider helping us. They agreed and sent us an application.

We were focusing on paying off all of our debts at that time so we didn't send in our application right away because we wanted to be able to apply with no debts. On Janury 3 we were able to apply with His Hands Taiwan and Adoption Consultants, Inc. to begin our home-study! The financial gift we were given was the perfect amount. We had enough for our home-study and a little more left over.

Most adoptions from Asia cost between $20,000-$30,000 for everything start to finish. This figure was daunting as we headed into adoption. We knew we had room in our family for one more but we didn't wish to put ourselves into financial jeopardy after working so hard to become debt free. For this reason we prayed and considered and felt we should fundraise for our adoption. We have felt called to adopt and we believed that there were people who were not called to adopt but would support others who felt called. We had a wonderful dinner and invited a few hundred people from central Nebraska. With around 70 or 80 in attendance the Lord provided a little over $4,000 that night.

So far in our adoption we have spent around $8,000 total. We have had more than we have needed for the adoption up until this point. At every turn the money has been there. It still is. We praise God that He led us to His Hands Taiwan. It is amazing!

We are now scraping the bottom of our adoption fund. We believe our travel date is just around the corner. It will cost around $4,500 for the trip to Taiwan. We believe that God is big and able to provide what we need. We are battling anxiety with His word and with the details of our story so far. God's leading and provision has been miraculous! Would you please pray with us about the Lord's provision for our trip to Taiwan? We're not sure how it is all going to come together but we believe that it will. And, we have had more than we needed every step of the way.

Something's Missing

Today was a great day! We spent it with family at Mom and Dad Brodine's. It started with coffee, cinnamon rolls, and a heart to heart talk (which really fills my love tank). Then lunch with many loved ones, more conversation, cake, ice cream, soccer, dancing, singing. Cousins were belly laughing, running, playing, dressing up. It was so much fun!!!!!!!!! As good as it was all day long there was a dull ache inside my heart because you are not here yet, Meg. I want all of my children home. Part of my heart is in Taiwan and it will not be united until I am with you. It was a good day but not a complete day. Something's missing. No, someone is missing and it's you. Praying the Lord will bring us together soon.

Tick Tock, Move it CLOCK!

This week feels like an eternity. Time is passing S L O W L Y. I am praying, praying, praying and asking and waiting. I keep staring at the computer screen willing something to happen. It's not working.