I've Got that 9th Month Feeling

Tonight is the night before my oldest daughter's birthday. She is going to be eleven tomorrow. She has been an amazing gift! I am feeling reflective. On this night eleven years ago my brother and sister in law came over to our apartment for supper. Liz was going to be with us for the delivery just in case Alex fainted. (He got light headed in our birth class when he saw a diagram of the epidural needle. I was afraid and wanted someone to be with me all the way through.) We didn't know if we were having a boy or a girl. We wanted a surprise. I, the newly wed chef made tater tot casserole. We took a photo of the four of us. In the photo Alex had his pager and Liz had her's. We rented the pagers because we didn't have cell phones. We agreed they would only be used once, when I started labor. That night it seemed like I was never going to need to use the pager. Every day was the same, heightened expectation and then the let down, heightened expectation and then let down. Every day I woke up thinking maybe it is today! I was restless and uncomfortable. Early in pregnancy I had been afraid to go into labor and in the final month of pregnancy I realized God had given me a gift. I was finally ready. I was so uncomfortable physically and so excited emotionally that I thought, "I don't care what happens to me, how much pain I go through, how long and hard it is! I will do anything! I WANT MY BODY BACK!! I WANT TO HOLD MY BABY!! And, I will do whatever it takes! I want to sleep all night and not have to go to the bathroom. I want to lay on my tummy. I want to drink orange juice. I don't want to look this humungous and hear one more person say, "you're still here?". I want to look into the face of my child. I want to know who he or she is. I want to cuddle in the rocking chair. I want to use all the baby clothes and the swing and the crib. Let's do this thing!

My brother called yesterday. The first question he asked is, "How are you, Beth?". I told him I was fine and our family is fine. We are happy and busy. Adalynne had an invention convention that day and took 2nd place in her group. The girls' ballet recital is just around the corner. Elie lost a tooth and has another on hanging on by a thread. Joe is loving soccer. School is going well. Spring is here and the kids can play outside. Alex is loving his classes and things are steady at church. Sam is a ball and fills my love tank every day with his natural sweetness. And yet in all of this fine stuff a big part of me is not o.k. and is missing my 5th child. I am sad. I am on the verge of tears because Maren is not here. I am living in the state of heightened alert because she could be coming any day. Or, it could go on like this for a while. It is absolutely out of my control. We could be very, very, very close or we may have to hang in there for a while. Every day is the same, heightened expectation and disappointment. Could today be the day? Nothing.

It feels like the 9th month. I am so ready for the new "normal". I am so ready to look into the eyes of my baby. I am ready for her to wrap her tiny little hand around my finger. I want this wait behind me and I want my daughter home.

Someone asked me today if it is as painful as carrying a child physically? Of course physically I have had nothing to deal with and no physical pain. Thankfully, Maren's momma did all that hard work. No morning sickness, no aching ligaments, no extra hormones, no lower back pain when I wash the dishes, and no labor. But, a very great expectancy, a little fear of the unknown, a great heart ache for my baby, a longing to be the one caring for Maren, a desire to start getting to know her and to get on with bonding, and a great feeling of helplessness in bringing her home. I've got that 9th month feeling and I am ready for it to be behind me.

Father, please bring our baby home.

It feels like it's never going to happen. But, it will.