I Can Do All Things Through Christ

I don't wish to be redundant but all I can say is adoption sure is full of ups and downs. Come to think of it I guess that is life. But, it seems like adoption is a season in life where they come close together. At least that has been my experience for a little over a year.

Yesterday when I woke up I was "up". Then I came out to the computer and checked my inbox, no news. All of a sudden a "down" swept over me. I stared at the computer and willed for something to change. I hoped as I sat there news would come. I posted a facebook status that said, "if staring at the computer could make something happen in the judicial system of Taiwan then Maren would have been home a long time ago." Then I deleted it. It just felt like a stupid pointless thing to say. Why did I say that?

Monday is Mom's in Touch day for me. I choose our theme each week. Yesterday I chose, "God Sustains". I sat at the table bowed my head while I waited for time to begin. Thoughts swirled through my head while I waited. "I can't do this. I can't wait any longer, Lord. This really hurts. When Lord? I just want to be her mom and I can't understand why it's not time yet." Tears came. I have been holding onto the verse Rebecca sent when my thoughts start to runaway, "The Lord waits to be gracious to me."

Time to start praying. Here were yesterday's verses:

Psalm 18:35, "You have given me the shield of your salvation, and your right hand supported me, and your gentleness made me great."

Psalm 54:4, "Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life."

Psalm 147:6, "The Lord lifts up the humble, he casts the wicked to the ground."

As we started to praise God I could clearly see my pride. Who was I to say, "I can't do this." What gives me the right to think "I reached the end of my rope."? Maren is the Lord's, not mine. The Maker of Heaven of Earth is my Help! His ways are not my ways and His ways are higher, better.

He is my Help. Help seems like a small word in English. Helper is the assistant not the main player. When we think, "you can help", we think of a small role we give to our kids or something. But, the King of Kings supports me with His right hand (the hand of His authority). This help is not small. This help is not trivial or insignificant. I don't want to be wicked and prideful and cast off by the Lord. I want to receive His help. I want to be a conduit of His strength. His strength really is made perfect in my weakness. I want His help. I want Him to lift me up.

"I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content, I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:11-13

Pray that I will believe that God is near. Pray that I will believe that He is working for me and for Maren. Pray that I will have faith at the end of the adoption and more importantly at the day of Christ. I want to stand unashamed before my God who stands with me. I want to hear Him say, "well done".

Do I want to wait longer? Of course not! But, what do I know?